Perhaps the lure of the bad boy is similar to the temptation of climbing Mt. Everest. It feels so good to conquer it and reach the top—despite all the pain you felt on the ascent. But getting back to that thrilling peak (The glitter! Finding out you are the only one!) means bearing again the sulks, the yelling (Damn you! Why do you always push my button), and the insults to taste the joy again.
Rinse. Repeat. It’s the cycle.
(And is the ‘joy of being with him when he’s good’ simply the absence of pain? Like when I stopped smoking and realized that a cigarette’s pleasure might just come from ending the craving.)
Working with batterers for almost ten years afforded me plenty of material and insight for my novels (along with dubious romantic choices and family role models).
Bad boys aren’t edgy, exciting, and a bag of fun; they’re mean and selfish and looking out for number one—themselves—all the time.
Classic bad boys can charm like no one else. They tried with me—sitting in groups to which they were court-ordered. They sent smoldering glances to tell me I was the only one in the world they’d let inside their soul to fix them. When they didn’t have money to pay for a class, had been picked up on a new charge, or failed a drug test, they’d look at me with their carefully tortured eyes and tell me how sorry they were.
And yes. They really were sorry—sorry they’d been caught and sorry they had to spend another night pretending to pay attention to this crap we were teaching.
At their core, these guys weren’t very different from the bad boys I’d once been drawn to. But never again, not after working that job. I wish I could share with every woman the experience of sitting in a circle with 15 court-ordered-to-be-there bad boys because at some point during the 42 weeks that they occupied chairs in the stuffy church basement where we held group, they let loose with a truth revealing the dime-a-dozen ordinariness of bad boy behavior.
Here’s the truth about that complicated guy of yours:
1) When you and your bad boy get in that insane fight, and you don’t know how it began, why it happened, or why he stormed out the door . . . when you’re ready to follow him so you can beg his forgiveness—but you don’t have any idea what to apologize for—here’s what’s really going on:
He wanted to get out of the house. Get to the bar. Watch the game. Flirt (or worse.) So, he picked a fight. My clients admitted it. This sleazy little tactic is dime-a-dozen common.
2) What did they admit they wanted from the devastating battles? You know, the ones where he yelled so loud you shook and backed down? That time he punched the bed, the wall . . . you?
If Jeopardy had real-life categories, the response to “Most common thing men want women to do during a fight?” would be, “What is “shut the f*** up?”
3) When he tells you, “You’re the only one I’ve ever been able to talk to?”
Tell yourself, yeah, right.
He’s said those words to every woman he previously dated. My clients admitted they knew the words were relationship catnip.
4) When he says, “I can’t live without you,” here’s a news flash:
He can.
And he will.
Quite well.
The question is, can you live with him? Do you want to? Do you like being kept off balance? Do you treasure being used like medicine for someone’s lack of self-confidence or need to control? Is waiting to read his mood at the sound of the doorknob turning fun?
5) You want to believe it will change. Things will get better. If you explain it once more, write one more email, one more letter, or cry one more time, then, finally, he will understand! And once he understands, those moments of incredible tenderness and bliss —when he gave you that crooked smile, took you in his arms, and then gently helped you onto his exciting motorcycle—will last forever.
Things will not change. He will not get better. There’s nothing you can do unless he wants to change. Nothing. He will continue the cycle as long as he can. Change can only come from within. Many men I worked with changed, but coming into the group was only a step. They had to want to do the work.
Here’s my advice as a mother, a sister, a friend, and most of all, as a woman who worked with those bad boys:
Choose kind over thrilling. It wears much better.
Choose responsible over devil-may-care. It will keep you and your children warm and safe at night.
Choose a man who wants to be your friend, not one who will be your life-long home improvement project.
If you or someone you know needs help with emotional, physical, sexual, or verbal abuse, here are links to help:
National Domestic Violence Hotline
Hours: 24/7. Languages: English, Spanish, and 200+ through interpretation service
800-799-7233