These are the many types of relationships I’ve had: Sad. Obsessive. Pathetic. Boring. Are you kidding me? “Do you think he has a drinking problem?” Liar, liar, pant’s on fire.

You name it. I had it. Now. At long last (it only took me  . . never mind—many years) I have a no-sad-song love. Perhaps if during those never-mind years, I’d had a song-test, I’d have left bad-boy-hell sooner. Thus, as a Valentine’s Day Public Service:

A Love Pain Meter:

1) If this song wrenches your heart, if you play it more than once, if it haunts you:

Diagnosis: Sad, obsessive relationship. Possible overlay of infidelity.

2) If you get misty listening to this:

Diagnosis: A loser who meant to do better. Cut it loose. Thinking it isn’t good enough.

3) If you feel sorta empowered by this:

Diagnosis: Come on, being strong doesn’t make the cheating any better. Say goodbye.

4) Bittersweet feelings come on for you when you listen to this?

Diagnosis: Don’t think it’s gonna happen. It won’t. Even if he tells the truth. Not if this song rings. Find some true loving.

5) Are you listening to the all-time anthem of ‘He’s gonna leave his wife as soon as the kids grow up.”

Diagnosis: He won’t.

7) Is this your theme song?

http://youtu.be/ZBR2G-iI3-I

Diagnosis: You know that guy you think of when you dance to this song? Don’t ever go back with him.

8) Is this running through your head?

Diagnosis: He’s a keeper